Time froze. There was chillness in the air. She stopped and came closer to me, so much closer to me that our noses almost touched. I was scared and couldn’t do anything to regularize my heartbeats. But I sure made up a stone face and looked at her chin, as to meet eyes at such short distance was impossible at least for the living me. I told her, yes I deserved her forgiveness because I didn’t intend to kill her. It wasn’t my fault that there were no street lights. It wasn’t my fault that she appeared before my car. It was her fault to have stood in the middle of the road, coming from nowhere in spite of seeing my headlights on, and flashing on the road. I told her, I was guilty once and shall always despise the happenings of that dreadful night but I was just a medium while in reality, it was her death calling. She was stunned, I assumed by her pin-drop silence after the loud chaos she displayed just moments before.
I sighed and was relieved to have spoken my heart and mind. I was no longer afraid of her reactions and as if I had just left a vibe of some sort, which if worded, would mean that I am superior to her, that I hold power over her and now I feel only remorse for her loss. She cried the cry of desperation…her cry meant so much more than her scary ways. It communicated much more. I almost hugged her. She got up and left. She never came back. I opened my eyes in real this time. I was at my psychologist’s and she had hypnotized me. I left the clinic very happy today, happy to be free but I did not understand the tears of sadness that accompanied my happiness. There was a vacuum in me. I felt this rush of sadness as if I lost someone my own. I told you, universe and karma has a way of its own. I left the building and was walking towards my car. For a second, I thought I saw her. I was about to turn my head sideways where I thought I had a glimpse of her seconds ago. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to give her a chance to overpower me today, even if she really was there. By now, I was good at pretending and I walked the walk of confidence and reached my car. I sat on the driver’s seat and fixed the position of my mirrors. It was then that I saw her. I knew this was real. My conscience was clear of guilt now but yet I saw her. If I went back to my psychologist, she would label me “mad” in polite, medical jargon. And if I freaked out now, she will know for sure, I am still afraid of her and would take pleasure in it.
But I chose to feel for her. The genuine feeling of having lost your own life, your tomorrows, your plans, your relationships and everything you hold on to, so dearly in your living life. I felt for her these feelings but I did not leave my side too. I tried to remember how much trauma I have gone through too. So it is not that she alone is dead, a chunk of me is dead too. I don’t think too highly of myself like I used to. I have become sober. I miss her life more than she could even though that life belonged to her. But I had the responsibility. I looked at her, straight in the eye and my tears rolled out. She saw me cry for her. She came closer to me, flying on her feet it took her seconds to do so. I was scared of her, still. But I tried hard to remember that I am alive and that she isn’t. Technically, she is at the mercy of my conscience and guilt, which are the only ways of her ghost existence. She whispered in my ears, “I forgive you…only till the time, you forgive yourself.” I still see her when I am driving at my back seat, grinning and trying to overpower me. After all, I am a human and with an alive conscience. I can’t forgive myself totally. I saw her a few seconds ago again and then turned up the radio volume. A car came speeding by, and before I knew it, my car had hit the roadside tree and there was broken glass everywhere. I was lying there and I got an aerial view of myself. I knew the same instant that I am dead and that this was karma. The guy who drove the car had bruises too but he seemed fine otherwise. He was drunk and now was alert and scared. Scared he should be because I am raged. My tomorrows, my life, my plans, my relationships…my ….just now I saw her floating. I belong to her world now. We are together.