Little did I know that I am going to die today. But my soul had chosen to depart on a pleasant day, just the way I like it. I have spent hours thinking of how should death be for me. Yes, I did think about that part in detail. After all, what can an old woman in her 100+ years do? I am wrinkled beautifully…the lines making me more beautiful. My relationships are not dependent on me but I am on them. I am now a great grandmother but neither can I enjoy these benefits or take the responsibility for the newborns. Heck! No one would even trust me to take up such responsibilities.
They say I am now forgetting things. But little do they know that I have memories stored in me. I remember a lot of their childhood, a lot of their children’s childhood. What I don’t remember is the recent things happening around me. That’s because my mind is all dwelling in the past. Coz that’s where I lived…and that’s where my presence was important. I was loved and at peace but not realizing the peace as I was too busy at that time. This present tense has nothing to offer me but peace of a different kind. Peace in terms of time. The time is now my friend. It no longer runs past as it did in my dutiful days of youth. I never found time. And today, I have time in plenty but those around me don’t have it for me. It's ok, I understand, I too have lived that age and stage. So after finishing up with my morning routine, I come down to sit peacefully in my community.
It's basically getting out of the house so that people in the house can relax and not have to do things for me. I don’t want to disturb anyone. Yes, I want to help. But I am scared. I am scared I will make a mistake and my folks won't like it. They won't say it, but their distrust is not what I want to earn. I have already earned that enough. I don’t know I am old until I see myself in the mirror or am made to feel by everybody around me. I like it when I am offered a place to sit, every time I go somewhere. I know nobody likes me talking, as my speech is not very clear due to broken teeth.
I know I try too
hard to entertain the younger generation but they just smile and nod rapidly to
get back to their lives and excuse themselves but are being polite out of
respect. I am alone. I need to accept that. But what do I do? I am afraid if I
am too silent, I will be considered dead. I will be non-existent. I like to see
little grandchildren of mine playing around me but am scared to touch them and
play with them, what if I upset their parents or hurt them. They somehow like
me a little perhaps but they too have a busy day planned ahead of them.
So I sit here all by myself. I still feel pretty. I still feel knowledgeable and have plenty to share but nobody to listen to. And so I resort to writing. But little did I know that I am dying today. The birds are chirping for me for the last time. I want to take in most of this world. There is never enough. Yet I pray for my death as I don’t want to burden my family. I know they will cry out of the habit of seeing me around. My death will stir up the memories to come to the surface and I will be happy to be remembered for my past, for the existence of mine that they valued much. But soon, and by soon I mean, very soon they will go their way, suppressing their sighs, subconsciously feeling guilty for feeling at ease after I have passed away. It means one less responsibility from their busy lives, an extra bed and a room for their children or for their storeroom even and I don’t blame them. I am happy to see the world outside but I don’t want to remember anything anymore. Countless memories have been relived countless times and I now want to be the same toothless person but a cuter version of me someplace else.
Everything seems
scary now. Because it will all be out of my comfort zone. Everything in my new
upcoming life is unpredictable but if one goes by karma, I think I haven’t
given much happiness to my family and the people around me. I have been more of
a taker, less of a giver. Perhaps that’s the definition of being lucky. So I
was lucky in love, lucky in having a beautiful family, parents and my child is
the most wonderful soul and I have been very very lucky that he has taken care
of me more than anyone can possibly do or even think of. But for now, this is a
goodbye letter. I hope I can write again to share my after-death experiences as
well.
