A Writer's Life

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Saturday, May 18, 2019

My Love Story

I was jumping, metaphorically as my heart was pumping fast and I realized that I am in love. Gosh, I realized this really late, as I fell in love head over heels with the girl I've shared my room with for 2 long years, someone I knew for sure loves me unconditionally, selflessly. We have always been the best of friends but I feel its her who has always stood by me while I have been sucking the living life out of her. Always complaining, always coming up to her with my problems that she readily resolved and came up with amazing solutions. All the time! and yet, I was never there for her. Heck! I never even asked her if she has any problems at all. How is her life? what is happening in her life. Never! Always so self-absorbed me, I failed to depict my love and respect towards her. While she has been the giver, I am a taker, someone so selfish and always in need to pour out my problems, my frustrations, my depression, while she was always at the receiving end.

Today, I've realized it cannot always be about me. I have realized I care for her, too much to not tell her this. Hell, I never even paid heed to what she might be going through in her personal life, or how she looked or what is she wearing. But she never complains, she hears me out and smiles everyday when I go home. Her face uplifts my spirits. Today, I am going to make it special for her. Compliment her. Let her know what I feel for her. I am at the florist's just unable to decide what flowers she would like to receive. I never asked her. I bet she knows what my favorite flowers are. I finally decide to buy a bouquet with every flower of a different color. I write the message in a note that reads, "You're the rainbow of my life, the fragrance of a flower, the only thing beautiful in my life." I pay the florist a hefty tip and in excitement, share with him my story and how special my love is.

I call for an uber and hop into the cab, all smiling, looking at the bouquet again and again, fixing the position of the flowers. Nothing seems perfect, nothing seems alright when in comparison with her. The only thing perfect is her smile, her warmth, her selflessness, her love, her admiration for me.
I yet again talk about my love to the uber driver and he is happy for me. He wishes me luck as I reach my destination and am about to leave. I thank him, all too grateful for the ride and for hearing me out.

This is what love does. Bring out the best in you and make you smile and spread smiles. I love love and this feeling of love because my love is perfect. I rush to the elevator and then on the corridor of my floor, almost sliding. I want to surprise her, so I fiddle into my pockets and get my hands on the jingling keys, not getting it right in the first attempt as I am elated. I open the door, racing with time and almost seeing her smile right in front of me, even before the door is completely open. And yes, there she is smiling. I hug her and then bend on my knees, gift her with the bouquet, apologise for not being a good friend, or a listener even. I tell her how beautiful she is and she touches my head, ruffles my hair and with her smiling face, kisses my forehead. I will never be able to forget what she said after that..."of course, you love me and I love you as I am none other than you."

At first, I thought its some romantic line and half-confused and yet pleased, I respond with exactly the same: a confused smile. She then corrects me, as she understands me so well to know what that I didn't understand what she meant by that. She further continues to tell me, "I am just a figment of your imagination. When you were depressed and stressed, and found fault in people. When no one was there to understand you, you created me as your friend, and today, when you have earned back your self-respect and love for yourself, you love me. You finally have started loving yourself. My job is over. Now your subconscious doesn't need me. Now you're self-sufficient. You always have been. But today, you realize it."

I wasn't sure what I was hearing was right. My mind refused to believe but then images from the past played in my mind...in fragments, not a movie reel. and I remembered just how broken I was, shattered. I had become a cribber. And then, there was no memory of this girl coming into my life, let alone the apartment. She was my mind's creation, yes its true. I created her to fill the gaps in my life, the vacuum that existed due to lack of friends, lack of love life. everyone who left me during my bad times. Yes, I love her. I love God for giving me the capability to create this person in my mind, whom I hallucinated in real. But the doctors wont understand. They say, I have multiple personality disorder. They say this because my neighbors and colleagues got me help, when they saw me talking in different voices, one of my sweetheart and one mine. I feel happy and so complete that I don't need anybody else in my life. And here my therapist says, its not normal. She says I have to eat my meds daily without fail. I say I do but I don't. Am I wrong?

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